Helen Martin’s Blog

I am in this place again…

Sara Groves’ music has been my close companion and confidante for a long, long time but until a couple of days ago I had never owned her debut CD, the self-produced, Past the Wishing.

Her music always hurts me at first. This well-worn experience is upon me… I listen to her “new” music and it destroys me. I listen, I weep, I listen again. The last track, Glory Come Down, is worth the cost of the CD. Piano, cello, and perfect words and melody.

They say that music can get into our souls against our wills. But her music conquers my will—I want to be waylaid by it—even though it makes me think about so many things that I would otherwise resist pondering. Oh, the conflicted feelings… the simple glories of her music affect me to a degree that is equaled only by my longing to make music that meaningful, that lovely, that transcendent.

And that longing has brought me such sadness, I can’t even tell you.

But I thought I was over the conflict. Or at least that I had made significant progress. God has grown in me a working knowledge and experience of His love for me. I believe that His thoughts toward me are constant, and His intentions for me are constantly good. I believe that I do have gifts and callings and I can trust Him to order their use and fulfillment. And I finally believe that I am one of those people who will say, “He gave me a hope and a future that unfolded in ways beyond what I could have imagined. His ways were far better than what I would have chosen for myself.”

So why the tears while I listen? Will I forever be Salieri to her Mozart? (Even though it is she who is killing me.)

But I realize—excuse me while I have an epiphany—that her music will always hurt me; nothing could possibly go that deep without hurting. I never want to deny access to those deep places; it has done me so much good to have them laid bare.

But I guess there is a breakthrough, and it is this: Now I don’t say, “Why can’t I do that?”  Now I ask Him, “Can I?”