Helen Martin’s Blog

Are you familiar with the classic Christian devotional, Waiting on God, by Andrew Murray? It was recommended to me by author and speaker, Susie Larson, and it has been amazing to read. No, Susie and I don’t grab lunch in between her many speaking engagements to chat about life (Yousa, I WISH)! We met at the IJM benefit, and have since gotten a tiny bit acquainted through her blog. (I highly recommend her blog!)

She wrote a beautiful post about transformation as we experience it in different seasons as Christians; drawing unexpected comparisons between it and a caterpillar’s metamorphosis.

In a comment on that post I said, “I really feel it sometimes… like I am on the edge of something amazing. It scares me beyond anything I can express. If I open my eyes and it’s just a cliff, it will kill me. Is it going to look like a cliff no matter what? Is the secret that I will have wings then?”

I also confided, “I know at the core of my problem is my sorry prayer life… I lack the heart to stick with it. I want to push past the “I feel nothing” but I have this horrible fear that prayer will never be for me what it is for you; and that I will have labored in vain and never end up feeling anything. The worst temptation I have is the idea that He thinks about me as little as possible. And what I feel coming back in my prayers is like a confirmation that I am in the center of His indifference.”

Now, before you worry too much, I was having a REALLY bad morning when I wrote that…. but, there is truth in it, nonetheless. Not Truth in what I was feeling, only that I was truly feeling it. (Oh, and I posted semi-anonymously, so I felt more liberty to sound desperate. What? I’m the only one who does that…..?)
She replied with comforting wisdom, and the name of the devotional. I started the book as soon as I could after she suggested it.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal after pondering the first day’s reading:

Day One:

There is a theme going on in my life: Wait.

I started the book today. I appreciate the picture of Adam, made to draw life from God moment by moment like breath. Waiting isn’t a result of the fall. Waiting was a blessing lost by the Fall, and it’s restoration a chief goal of Salvation.

It suddenly occurred to me about 15 minutes later–bam! out of the corner of my head–that when God says “Wait” I hear, “Come back later.” Or, maybe more accurately, “Wait here, I’ll be back later.” No wonder the concept of “waiting on God” has always been so disappointing and depressing to me.

But glory and wonder, “Wait” means “Stay with Me.” What a tender picture. What a unfamiliar thought, of Him loving me like that, and wanting me around.

Um, how long have I been a Christian, already! Lately, I feel like I’m just starting out!
(I hope to post more “days” soon….)