Helen Martin’s Blog

By its very nature, there is a certain intimacy about simply being alone with someone. And alone time between married people is a sacred thing, especially as children join the family. So one practical standard that we strive toward is that, with few exceptions, we just don’t spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. If I have that kind of time to spend it belongs to Ken, and vice versa.

The same is true with flirting. That kind of attention - invited or paid - is the rightful possession of the members of the marriage. It doesn’t have to “lead to something more” in order for it to be damaging to the relationship.

For a guy to have a lot of female friends certainly poses an interesting problem for his wife. If said guy spends time alone with one of them (especially with one more than any of the others) it could be hard for his wife to keep certain thoughts from drifting through her mind, no matter how quickly they’re dismissed as ridiculous.

The thing seems fraught with difficulty. What if the husband is used to sharing deep personal things with these female friends, or if the he and one or more of these girls have been in the habit of being flirtatious? Even if the wife is very secure in her husband’s intentions, the same cannot necessarily be said about her confidence in the friend’s intentions.

It seems to me that the nature of those friendship just plain have to change when the marriage takes place. It’s not a bad thing but a natural one. But I wonder if people often resist that change. Obviously, the marriage has become the primary relationship and all others are subordinate, but just knowing this isn’t enough. If you “know” that your wife is the most important woman in your life, but you still get home late from work because you were having a drink with one (or more) of your female friends while your wife is sitting at home, well — ?

It takes a lot of skill and thought to care for a woman’s heart. It takes intentional actions and intentional inactions, too.

Ken would never do anything that would give me a reason to wonder, or that would naturally make me feel insecure. He even turns his head (or the channel) when the Victoria Secret type commercials come on. Those girls are attractive in ways I haven’t really dreamed of being, but I know that I’m still preferred over them. He doesn’t “look at the menu” because he’s content. That is amazing to me. But even more so is that he isn’t doing it just for me. It’s a habit he developed to guard his own mind and heart and he does it even when I’m not around.

Have I mentioned that you need to marry well?