Helen Martin’s Blog

Today a friend and I were discussing marriage and fidelity and what it takes to make marriages work. Well, that isn’t exactly what we were talking about, and he isn’t technically my friend, but more like my husbands friend who is kinda starting to be my friend, too, and we weren’t really talking, [he was blogging][1] and I was commenting.

But ANyway, I had said that one has to marry well in the first place to avoid a lot of problems that might otherwise arise, and then the topic on his blog changed and well, of course, I had so much more to say. So, since my poor neglected blog is just sitting here doing nothing…

When I say we married well, I don’t mean we never act like losers or never argue or disagree. We each married a sinner saved by grace - a flawed work in progress.

*Sure we argue; but what do we do next?*

What makes us well matched is not that we’re both so wonderful and in love - though, well, we are ;-) - but what’s at least as important is that we both believe the same stuff about marriage and family and we have agreed to abide by what we know “the rules” are.

*It starts with marrying well, but you have to BE married well, too.*

When you hear that it’s natural for relationships to ebb and flow, sure, it’s the normal stuff every relationship goes through. But what’s most important is this: when the tide is low, how do I behave? Do I realize it’s just the normal undulation, or do I start to pout? Do I label my beloved as emotionally distant, or do I take a minute and realize that he has had a really crumby week and is just too tired to deal with my PMS or my plain old bad day?

*Do I rush to have my need met some other way or can I actually survive having my need left unmet until it can be met in the right way, which is also the best way?*

Even with actual marital problems, small, fixable stuff can be made worse by seemingly innocent or justifiable reactions of the other spouse. For instance, imagine a husband who is truly closing himself off from his wife: this is the guy she married because she loved him and he loved her - and he didn’t start shutting down emotionally for no reason. She has the choice to focus on him or herself. She can do without for a little while, give him his space, show him that whatever he’s going through right now, he has a safe place in his marriage.

But if she is most concerned with what *she’s* suffering, she might turn to some guy-friend to have some of her emotional needs met. If she does that then she’s started the process of leaving her husband in her heart. It isn’t inevitable, but that’s where the road she’s on leads to. Some of the energy she would have had to devote to her primary relationship is diverted; and without the unmet need prodding her, she no longer feels as motivated to work on her marriage.

Then when her husband comes out of whatever funk he was in and looks around for her, she’ll be the one who is distant. (Even if all she has so far is a “friendship” with the new guy.) Then maybe he’ll find a ready ear attached to the pretty head of a female coworker in a similarly “innocent” friendship. Those friendships will be satisfying, and “harmless” and more and more of what belongs to the marriage will be syphoned off to these other relationships. Not to be a pessimist, but it seems to me that one of these days someone’s gonna take her top off and the rest will be history. (Weeds don’t need tending.)

Seriously, I don’t know what keeps most marriages together, since I’ve observed few that have the fences up to protect their marriages that Ken and I have.
And it isn’t like the only fences we have are those at the very edges of the cliffs that drop down into the pits of cruelty, adultery, and divorce. There are many barriers much closer to home that guard us against habitual unkindness and impatience, against thoughtlessness and selfishness, against disrespectful words to or about each other. (That last one is huge!)

I can’t imagine how many of those fences I would have to plow down before I started longing for someone else’s companionship.

And then there are all those kids - so many kids ;-) How much would I have to hate Ken and love my self before I would destroy my children’s home?

Well, that was where I ran out of steam and ideas. I mentioned in the post before this one that I have been on the computer too long today. I hope it doesn’t show too much.

Tomorrow is Friday and I have a date with my beloved! Don’t know where we’re going; don’t much care.

[1]: http://jeepish.com/